


The way you move is out of this world

by BooksandKpop



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt, Forgive Me, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Slow Build, This was meant to be short and fluffy I don't know what happened, Through the Years, brief mention of suicidal thoughts, dancer!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-02 07:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15791955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BooksandKpop/pseuds/BooksandKpop
Summary: Dancing was all Taeyang knew, it was all he ever needed.Why couldn't his heart understand that?(Read notes for more information on tags)





	The way you move is out of this world

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is a lot heavier than anything I have written before. I don't know why it has turned out this way? All I wanted was to write a cute fluffy dancer fic for this pairing...
> 
> In relation to the suicidal thoughts tag, I have marked off the paragraphs related to that with bolded double forward slashes that look like this; **//** so if you want to read you can skip that section. It is pretty ok at the start and then gets more angsty in the middle, so do read with caution. I promise there is a happy ending though!

He was nine.

 

Standing outside a shady looking warehouse long after the sun had set, a shiver ran down his back. His parents were probably worried sick, his older sister too. But this was something he needed to do. The wind blew harder and down the street, the only lamp flickered dangerously. It was stupid and dangerous for him to be here, Taeyang was well aware. However, this was his last hope. Tightening his grip on the straps of his school bag, he raised his head high and walked towards the rusty door with purpose. His fear was not going to get in his way.

 

He was eight.

 

His parents told him they could no longer afford to send him to the dance studio he had been part of for three years. The fees had gone up again they told him, it was too much to pay when they were struggling to even send their two kids to school. Taeyang had cried his eyes out for days. Without dance, he wasn't sure who he even was. Even before he could walk he was dancing; music had a hold on his very soul and there was no way to stop him from moving along.

The studio he had been part of was the only one that accepted young kids like five-year-old Taeyang. He had walked in with wide eyes and an itch under his skin. Sure, the teachers didn't always give him the attention and help he should have gotten, but all he cared about was having a place to dance. Watching the older dancers and instructors as they moved their bodies so perfectly to the music was like a drug, and young Taeyang was addicted. It was worrying to think what would happen if he couldn't get his fix.

 

He was eight.

 

One of the older dancers from the studio he had grown attached to found him in school. It was a few months since he had stopped attending, and it was starting to have a visible effect on him. Without a word, she offered him a single sheet of notepaper folded in half. Written on the paper was a list of four names with an address next to each of them. The handwriting looked as if it had been written hastily, but still, it was legible. 

He showed the paper to his parents when he got home, unsure of what else to do. A quick search in the directory showed that the names were all of some other dance studios in the area. Suddenly, Taeyang had hope again. Over the coming weeks, his parents brought him to visit all four of the studios on the list. And just like that, his hopes were dashed once again.

Two of the studios wouldn't take him because he was too young. They said he had potential, sure, but with no real dance training or experience they couldn't take him on. Maybe when he turned twelve they told his parents, apologetic. Another one was too expensive. The studio required a registration fee, monthly payments for classes and studio use, and also demanded he bought the club tracksuit. It was too much money for Taeyang's parents to afford, so they left. The last one was his best hope; the fees were affordable and they were more than happy to take on an eight-year-old who loved to dance. But the problem arose in where it was. It was simply too far away to be feasible. His parents couldn't drive him out twice a week for classes and there was no buses or trains which went out that direction.

That night, Taeyang went home and cried himself to sleep. Was he never going to dance again?

 

He was nine. 

 

Resigned to not being able to dance for years, Taeyang had become closed off and quiet. His teachers had sent worried letters home to his parents, but no one could do anything to help him. Until the girl found him again. She had a burning gaze as she handed him another piece of paper. This time, she spoke. "Don't tell your parents." And with that, she was gone. 

Waiting until he got home was the worst part. It felt like the paper was burning a hole in his pocket as he carried it around all day. When his parents asked about his day, he had to bite his tongue from telling them about the note. Finally escaping to his room that night, he threw himself under his covers before trembling fingers unfolded the slip of paper. Once again, messy handwriting had scribbled a name and address across the lines. Only this time, there was also instructions. 

_"Come after dark, don't bring anyone with you. The password is 'ISLAND FLYING BLUE'. "_

Taeyang could barely contain his curiosity and excitement. He knew he couldn't go that night since he had no idea where the address was. But over the next few days, he looked at maps and directories of the neighbourhood where the address was. It seemed to be mainly industrial warehouses which were all closed or derelict. It wasn't too far from where he lived; if he cycled he could probably get there in twenty minutes or so. And so Taeyang made his plans.

 

He was nine.

 

The sound of his fist knocking on the door echoed loudly in the deserted area. It seemed like an age before someone's voice boomed from inside the building. "Password?" Taeyang stuttered out the three words which he had burned into his head. His voice quivered but at least it came out louder than a whisper. Holding his breath, the young boy waited for a response. Instead of words, the heavy metal door in front of him swung inwards like a silent invitation. Not daring to hesitate any longer, Taeyang swallowed his fear and strode through the dark entryway. 

Even in the murky blackness, he could sense there was someone beside him. A very tall someone who walked further into the building without another word. Taeyang hurried to follow, the sound of his footsteps muffled on the solid concrete floor. It wasn't long before the figure in front of him pushed open another door and light spilt forth into the corridor. He looked up at the face of the person who was leading him and was surprised by its youthfulness. They simply gestured for Taeyang to go into the room, and so he did.

Eyes widened in awe, Taeyang took in his new surroundings. There were industrial floodlights hung in the corners of the room, illuminating it in a harsh brightness. All of the windows were boarded up and there were pieces of tattered furniture scattered around the edges of the room. What really caught his eye though, was the wall of mirrors and the group of people huddled in front of it. 

"Everyone gather round." The person who had brought him in called out in a voice that screamed authority. Slowly the others present dragged themselves away from the mirrors and stood in a semi-circle facing Taeyang. He had never been more nervous in his life. 

"What's your name kid?" There was a softness in that voice now, encouraging and warm. He took a deep breath before introducing himself. "I'm Taeyang." He wanted to say more but the sounds died in his throat. He felt twelve pairs of eyes boring into him as if they were trying to see into his very soul. It was silent for what felt like hours before one of the people in the group broke it. "You look so young."

The voice that spoke was gentle and raspy, sounding more mature than the face behind it. Taking a wobbly breath, Taeyang answered. "I'm nine years old." A collective gasp rippled around the group. He knew he was young, but he had never felt more like a child than in this very moment. The figure behind him stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder, causing Taeyang's gaze to dart up. There was a look on his face that he couldn't decipher. 

"Why are you here, Taeyang?" It was genuinely curious but also laced with worry. The looks on the faces of the others gathered around mimicked that concern. But the answer to that question was as easy as it came. "I want to dance." For the first time since he arrived at the warehouse, there was no tremble in his voice or uncertainty in his mind. If these people just gave him a chance, he could show them what dancing meant to him. 

The boy who had spoken up before took a step towards him. He was definitely the youngest in the room beside Taeyang, but he held a determined look in his eye when he spoke. "You have to prove yourself to dance here." It was a challenge, but also an invitation. Taeyang looked up at the person beside him and found a small smile on the tall man's face. "Yes, he does. So why don't we see what you can do Taeyang?" The smile was directed at him now, and that's all the young boy needed. 

 

He was nine.

 

And he had found his salvation. He knew his dancing was rusty and unpolished. His clothes weren't suitable for moving and he never even got the chance to warm up. But Taeyang poured all his passion and drive into his movements. The music was unfamiliar but he didn't let it stop him, he just wanted to dance. All too soon the music stopped and the room fell quiet. Taeyang willed himself not to crumble under the assessing eyes of the others in the room. He met all their gazes with a fierce determination. This was his last chance.

Once again, it was the young boy with black hair who spoke first. "Why here?" Taeyang heard the confusion in his voice, and so he told them his story. Others who hadn't said a word until now began asking him questions. About his dance history, his teaching, how he had found them. He answered everything with honesty, wanting them to know how much he was willing to risk for the opportunity to dance. Finally, the man who had brought him in raised his hand for silence. He must be the leader Taeyang guessed, judging by how everyone looked at him with such reverence. 

"We are not an official studio, we're a crew. People from backgrounds like yours who simply can't afford to dance anywhere else. This building doesn't belong to us, we risk everything to come here every night to dance. Are you sure you want that life?" He looked at the faces around him. All young and determined. Like him, dance was more important to them than anything else. He nodded. And everyone broke into smiles. "In that case, welcome to the kingdom."

 

He was ten.

 

In the ten months he had been with his crew he had learned more about dance than in his three years back in the studio. The older dancers were not afraid to push him to his limits, despite being so young. They saw a great potential in him and were willing to nurture it until it grew into an unstoppable force. The boy who had challenged him on his first night was called Youngbin. He was thirteen and immediately claimed him as his best friend. Before Taeyang joined, Youngbin had been the youngest member of the crew by two years. Taeyang watched in awe as he danced, so much power and control over his movements that it was hard to take your eyes off him.

At first, his parents had been nuclear, refusing to let their youngest child join a street crew who met under the cover of darkness in an abandoned warehouse. But they soon came to accept it, seeing how much brighter and more alive Taeyang became when he started dancing again. They also knew that nothing was going to stop him from sneaking out against their wishes, so they instead came up with some ground rules. After meeting Youngbin and Jimin, one of the older girls, they were more relaxed about the people he was dancing with.

Jaejin was the leader of their crew, as Taeyang had guessed on his first night. And he cared for all the others like his real family. When it came to Taeyang especially, he dedicated a lot of time to teaching the youngest. From stretches and warm-ups to cool tricks to incorporate into his dancing, he showed the younger boy everything he knew. The leader saw something more than just potential in him and was determined that it shone through. 

 

He was eleven. 

 

Youngbin had graduated and moved to a different school, leaving Taeyang alone during the day. But he still saw him more often than he had before. Taeyang's parents had taken a shine to the other boy and invited him around for dinner more often than not. Youngbin had also started staying in Taeyang's house occasionally, on nights when the pair didn't go to meet the crew. Their friendship grew stronger with every passing week, sharing their ambitions to become famous dancers as they huddled under Taeyang's duvet long after they were meant to be sleeping. 

As a group, they often came up with powerful and moving choreographies. Taeyang loved those sessions the most. Learning the moves from the older crew members and working himself to the bone to get it perfect. He just loved how amazing it felt to truly be a part of something. It was an experience he had never gotten before, and he treasured it. His favourite part was seeing it all come together. Watching the others as their bodies and movements perfectly blended together creating a masterpiece. There was nothing more satisfying than collapsing into a pile with everyone after they finally nailed the routine perfectly. It was like coming home. Sure the world would never see their artwork, but Taeyang knew in his heart that they were perfect.

 

He was twelve.

 

There was a solo dance competition advertised in the next city for "rising talent". Jaejin approached him about it one night as they prepared to head home after practice. He encouraged Taeyang to enter, believing that he was more than capable of handling the pressure. Other members of the crew promised to help him create a choreography and practice with him until it was perfect. There was only one problem; he couldn't enter under the crew name. He would have to go as an individual, with no team members to support him backstage. It was a scary thought, but Taeyang would never pass up and opportunity to dance. 

 

He was twelve.

 

Youngbin hugged him so tight that Taeyang could barely breathe. The sixteen-year-old had started working out and was building lean muscle that helped him pull off some powerful movements. He had come to support him in the competition, and despite only coming third Taeyang felt like he had won something far more important as he was wrapped in his friend's strong arms. His parents were there too, and his older sister congratulating him with proud smiles on their faces. Their support meant a lot, but to Taeyang, Youngbin's presence meant a whole lot more. 

 

He was thirteen.

 

Everyone in the crew had been on edge recently. More and more nights their dance sessions had to be cancelled on short notice because of security patrolling the abandoned warehouse district. It was a tense time, and Taeyang could feel the atmosphere becoming more and more charged with every night they risked coming out to dance. The music was quieter, the sessions were shorter, the freedom he had felt at the start began to turn into a crushing desperation to continue dancing. 

Some nights there were only three or four people who made the journey out, a far cry from the fourteen who used to be there every session without fail. Taeyang and Youngbin began to practice by themselves, in Taeyang's bedroom or in the park halfway between their schools. It wasn't the same, wasn't enough - but for now, it satisfied the burning desire under their skin to dance.

 

He was thirteen.

 

The whole crew had come because Jaejin said he had something important to tell them. It was risky, the security patrols getting more and more frequent in recent weeks, but they were all willing to do anything for their leader. The man who had given them so much when they had come with so little stood in front of them all now, an unreadable look on his face. Everyone waited with bated breath for his announcement.

"You all know we can't keep doing this. All of you are so young and have so much potential, I don't want to be the reason you get into trouble. We can't come back here anymore, it's too dangerous." They protested against this. The abandoned building wasn't much for sure; it leaked in the rain and had no working heating, and sometimes there were more rats than they cared to acknowledge. But it was theirs all the same. Where their kingdom had been founded and built from the ground, where they had become a family and learned to care for one another despite the circumstances. They weren't about to let it go without a fight.

"Please hold your empowered grumbling until I have finished?" Everyone fell silent again. They all respected Jaejin so much that they were willing to walk to the ends of the earth to dance with him. It was odd though because he sounded like he was teasing them and a smirk had made its way onto his face. "We cannot keep dancing here, in this dingy warehouse that risks getting us arrested. However, we can dance in our own studio."

Stunned silence engulfed the room. It took a minute, but then they all seemed to wake up from their stupor. "Studio?!" Youngbin yelled and it echoed around the room. Others made similar noises and started asking baffled questions. Jaejin stood in front of them and laughed, bright and clear above all their voices. Taeyang looked to him with a burning new hope in his soul. "Yes, studio. A place where our kingdom can grow into something more than what this place could ever offer. You guys will all have to contribute a little bit to the upkeep costs, but I promise it won't be much." 

Suddenly Taeyang couldn't see their leader anymore, as he had been engulfed in a hug by Jimin and some of the other older members. Everyone was laughing with pure joy. This was not the end of their crew. Their family was just moving somewhere else, somewhere they could reach heights that they would never have dreamed of. Taeyang was spun where he stood and met a familiar strong chest pulling him close. "You hear that Tae? We can dance for real now. A real crew." Youngbin had tears in his eyes and a smile so bright it was blinding.

Taeyang felt his heart squeeze. They could dance together without the fear of being caught. They could perform together as a real dance crew, without worrying about people finding out they had no official place to practice. He could tell people proudly where he danced, and new people would be able to join their family without the risk involved in their illegal place of practice. This was a dream come true. He threw himself back at Youngbin, holding the older male tight and never wanting to let go.

 

He was fourteen.

 

They had finally settled into their new studio. No longer did they have to dance on uneven concrete looking in cracked, dirty mirrors. They had working heating and an actual sound system, not to mention the building was legally theirs. Jaejin lived in an apartment right above the studio and he promised all the original members of the crew that it would always be open to them if they used the password. Taeyang was able to dance freely and more frequently, all for what they called "royalty rate".

His parents were relieved that their son was part of an official studio. They had tried in years previous to convince him to move to a real dance group since he was old enough to be accepted. But Taeyang knew that he would never have done that. Not for Jaejin or Jimin or Minhyuk or any of the elder crew, but for Youngbin. Deep in his heart, he knew that wherever Youngbin had gone, Taeyang would have blindly followed.

 

He was fourteen.

 

FNC was a registered dance studio, which meant they could take part in competitions as a group. They began practising old routines in earnest, making adjustments and improvements to make a real impact. Taeyang loved the way his body moved automatically in response to certain songs - how all the crew immediately fell into a formation they had drilled to perfection over two years ago with ease. Their routines were updated to show off the dynamic bond and increased abilities of all the members, and so it was no real surprise to them that they placed second in a rather big tournament. To everyone else though, it was almost unheard of. But they were not privy to the history this crew had.

The small silver cup became the first of many awards to be displayed in their glass trophy case. Everyone had laughed at Jaejin's optimism when he insisted the case be one of the first things installed in the studio, but now they all looked on it in pride. Their leader had so much faith in their crew. Taeyang loved the thrill of performing on stage, the bright lights and the applause of the crowd. But what he loved most about competing was their scrapbook. A photo was taken at the end of every event and the page signed by all those involved. It was their own little history book.

 

He was fifteen.

 

New members had started to join the studio as their reputation began to grow. Not all of them stayed, but many did. It became hard to keep track of the new faces who showed up every week. There were open dance classes for people of all ages, on Taeyang's insistence of course. No one wanted to turn away the nine-year-old kids showing up on their door when they knew how much potential they could hold. Youngbin personally volunteered to teach those classes in his free time. "I just couldn't bear the thought of not getting to watch their talent blossom." was his response one night as they were huddled together on Taeyang's bed watching a movie. 

Youngbin was eighteen now, turning nineteen in a few months, and he was about to start university. He wasn't nervous about it. In fact, he was rather excited. "Imagine Tae, I get to study the subjects that I love and meet more people with the same interests as me! Isn't it amazing?" Taeyang had agreed with the older, there was no way he would say anything to bring down the positive mood that surrounded him. But there was something in his stomach which twisted uncomfortably at the thought. Youngbin was going to meet lots of new people and make great friends. Friends who were his own age, and understood him better than Taeyang ever could. 

 

He was fifteen. 

 

It was Christmas break, and that was the first time he ever saw Youngbin cry. The older had called him shortly after midnight, Taeyang half-asleep answered his phone automatically after hearing the ringtone he set just for him. "Tae? Are you there?"  His voice was quiet and broken, it sounded like he had been crying. "I'm here, what happened?" There was no need for Taeyang to whisper back, but he found himself doing it anyway. "Can I come to stay in yours for a couple of days? I just -" "You're always welcome here Bin, you know that. I'll leave my window open." Taeyang wasn't sure what the older was going to say but whatever had upset him was not something he wanted to hear over the phone.

He lay awake waiting for the older to appear. It took over an hour but eventually, a shock of jet-black hair showed itself at the ledge. Taeyang immediately rushed over to help pull him in through the window, despite knowing that Youngbin was more than capable of getting in himself. After all, he had been doing it for years at this point. The older boy collapsed into Taeyang's arms as he struggled to pull them both onto his bed. Chest heaving, he immediately broke down and started sobbing, his hold on Taeyang's waist tightening instinctively. Totally unsure of what he was supposed to do, he rubbed Youngbin's back in gentle circles and softly began to sing. It was a soft lullaby his mother often used whenever Taeyang couldn't sleep as a child, and all he could do was hope it was enough to soothe the older.

As time passed, Youngbin's sobs petered out and his breathing became more regular. Taeyang wasn't sure if his friend had fallen asleep on his chest or not, but he tried to make it more comfortable for both of them without disturbing him too much. "I'm really sorry Tae." Youngbin's voice was hoarse and small, nothing like the warm raspiness Taeyang had become so fond of. "What are you saying sorry for?" The older boy shifted in his grasp so they were sitting up properly on Taeyang's bed, but he left his arms looped around the youngers waist. "I'm sorry for waking you up. I'm sorry for intruding and burdening you like this. I'm sorry you had to -"

He broke off with a sob, beginning to get distressed again. Taeyang pulled his older friend back against his chest once more and murmured reassurances into his ear. He wasn't a burden, Taeyang would rather go for days without sleep than see him this upset ever again. They fell asleep like that; Youngbin still in his outdoor clothes cradled preciously against the younger boys chest. His parents were not very happy the next morning, but once they saw Youngbin's puffy cheeks and red eyes their initial attitude softened. Taeyang still wasn't sure what had caused the breakdown, and as much as he wanted to ask he felt like it was something his friend would tell him about when he was ready.

 

He was sixteen.

 

His phone beeped with a cryptic text from Jaejin telling him to get to the studio as quick as possible. Taeyang was worried something had happened, and so he ran almost all the way there. When he arrived out of breath he immediately burst into the studio, preparing himself for the worst. What he didn't expect was to see the older man sitting on the ground with two people he had never met before in front of him. Jaejin smiled as their eyes met and gestured for Taeyang to come in and sit beside him. "I thought the building was burning down or someone was dying from your text." He laughed and shook his head, reassuring the younger that that was not the case at all. "I want you to meet some new people."

Their names were Juho and Seokwoo. According to them they were only one year older than Taeyang and had been dancing together for six years at this point. Originally, they were members of the studio Taeyang used to be part of when he was so much younger, but both of them felt they were not learning anything from their time there. So together they had made the decision to leave, and now they wanted to be a part of FNC. Something twisted in the younger boys chest when he looked at the duo. Their joined hands and shared looks, and how they were willing to do anything for one another. It reminded him of someone he knew, and he hated it.

In less than a month, the pair had become fully fledged members of their kingdom, fitting into the crew like perfect puzzle pieces. They moved together in such beautiful harmony it was like art in motion. Taeyang's gaze drifted to Youngbin as they watched the duo performing and wondered if he would ever have a moment like that.

 

He was seventeen.

 

The FNC kingdom had grown bigger and bigger, gaining more accreditation and praise from all across the country. Their youth crew was constantly winning medals and trophies and the older group were not far behind. Jaejin came to them one day to tell them there was going to be an interview done on the studio, and they wanted to talk to some of the original members. He wanted Taeyang to be one of them, as the youngest member of their original crew. Along with Jaejin himself, they would also be talking to Hana, Minhyuk and Youngbin to make up five interviewees who had been there from the beginning. 

It was a nerve-wracking few weeks, waiting for the interview date. His parents were excited for him, telling him that he would do great and not to worry about a thing. But Taeyang couldn't help worrying, he was afraid of slipping up. When the day of the interview finally came he was a mess. There was still over an hour to go until he was supposed to have his meeting, and he was pacing around one of the smaller dance rooms anxiously. Deciding to try to take his mind off it, Taeyang put on one of his favourite freestyle playlists and just let himself get lost in the music.

He poured everything into his movements; alternating between smooth, graceful spins and strong, powerful tricks. It was amazing how easily he could forget everything while he was dancing. It wasn't until a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist that he felt himself drop back to reality. Youngbin was right there behind him, smiling through the mirror as he waited for Taeyang to get his breath back. The older let go and patted him on the shoulder before turning towards the door. "As you can see, Taeyang is one of the most talented dancers in the studio."

The interview crew were standing at the door watching, camera trained on Taeyang. Jaejin was behind them, a grin on his face. Taeyang would have blushed had his face not already been pink from the exertion of dancing full-throttle. As interviews go, he thought it went well. The female MC asked him lots of questions about the studio and his dance history which he was able to answer without giving away their original secret. Youngbin and Jaejin both stayed in the room with him, sending him encouraging smiles and thumbs up throughout. There was just one final question, and he would be finished. "I was told that you were the one who insisted on opening the studio to kids as young as five, why is that?" 

Taeyang thought about his own journey to where he was now. A studio that let him in but never taught him how to really dance. Places that refused to take him because he was too young. Extortionate fees that a family like his couldn't afford and clubs that were simply too far away. His desperation to dance, the itch under his skin that could only be satisfied by moving his body to the music. "Whether they have a true passion for dancing or they simply want to do it for fun, there should be no reason their age stops them from getting the opportunity. There is so much potential held by kids for all sorts of things, and it should be nurtured into true talent by those who really care. If I hadn't met this crew when I did, I would never have become the dancer I am today. And everyone deserves that chance." The room fell silent as the interviewer digested his words. Then she hurriedly thanked him for his time before explaining they had to wrap up.

They left the room with Jaejin after saying their goodbyes, and so it was just Taeyang and Youngbin left standing there. Arms wrapped around him again and Youngbin rested his head on the youngers shoulder. In the last year, Taeyang had outgrown him slightly meaning their hugs had to change in their dynamic. "I'm so proud of you Tae." His breath hitched in his throat as he heard the words murmured into his chest. Taeyang wrapped his arms around Youngbin's back and held him tightly, fighting back tears that threatened to spill forth. "Thank you Bin."

 

He was eighteen. 

 

There was a new addition to the crew who stole Taeyang's spot as being the youngest member. His name was Chani, and he was something else entirely. Three years younger than him and yet Taeyang was certain he held more skill and talent than anyone else he had met at that age. Enough that they all agreed to move him out of the youth crew and into their own to give him a true chance at showing his abilities. It wasn't long before the two bonded over their experiences of wanting to dance from such a young age.

Chani had just moved into town in recent months, and FNC was his first choice for a studio. "I heard all about the youth crew and how much effort went into teaching them. I think my decision was made for me when I saw your interview though." Taeyang blushed at the blunt praise. The younger was not one to mince his words or attempt to be placating; he said what he thought and meant every word. It was certainly refreshing.

At first, it had been considered a bold move by other studios, including such a young dancer in their pro crew. But Taeyang was living proof that giving someone a chance at that age and pushing them to their limits had nothing but positive payoffs. They won gold in two competitions in the space of three months after the addition of Chani to their team, and there was nowhere else to go but up.

 

He was eighteen. 

 

His mother cried as she hugged him tight to her chest the day he left for university. It wasn't like he was moving far; the campus and his dorm were only a thirty-minute bus journey away. But still, he let her sob as he rubbed her back and his father smiled from behind her. When it was finally time for him to go, he swooped down and gave his mum a peck on the cheek before giving his dad a quick hug too, and then he was off.

Youngbin stood outside waiting for him, suitcases already packed in the older guys trunk since he was giving him a lift to his dorm. "No point you dragging all your stuff on a public bus Tae, not when your best friend has his own car." He had winked and laughed as they drove away from Taeyang's parent's house, the younger waving out the window until he couldn't see his parents any longer. "So what's the main emotion? Nerves? Excitement?" Taeyang shrugged. "A little bit of both I guess."

The journey was filled with idle chatter and singing along to the car radio. Traffic was heavy at this time of the day so it took a little longer than expected to reach campus, but neither of them minded. Youngbin was graduating from the same course in this very university in three weeks time, and Taeyang was admittedly more nervous about that than he was starting on his own. 

Despite his protests, Youngbin insisted on helping Taeyang bring his bags up to his dorm. The younger boy couldn't help but stare at his friend as he easily hoisted the large gym bag out of the boot and over his shoulder, biceps bulging impressively. It was four flights of stairs up but Youngbin didn't once complain, keeping up their easy conversation as if the extra weight had no effect on him. When they finally reached Taeyang's dorm, 4D, the door was already open a crack. There was loud banging coming from inside, and lots of extravagant curses in a deep voice. 

"Umm, hello?" Taeyang pushed the door open fully and cautiously walked into the room. It was small and compact but seemed to have everything a first-year student would require. Nothing seemed out of place until a mop of unruly hair peeked out from the kitchenette. "Oh? Are you my roommate?" When he confirmed it with a nod, the other student fully emerged into the living area covered in what seemed to be cocoa powder? "Sorry, I wasn't expecting you until later today. I was trying to make a 'welcome to the dorm' cake! I'm Hanse, it's nice to meet you."

A blinding smile spread across his face and Taeyang couldn't help but grin back. "I'm Taeyang. And I can help you with that cake if you want?" His roommate laughed brightly and readily agreed. But then a strange expression crossed his face; it was a mixture of awe and panic. Taeyang turned and remembered who had escorted him to his dorm in the first place. Youngbin, his black hair swept back off his forehead and undercut clearly visible, was leaning against the door frame with Taeyang's bag still hoisted over one shoulder. His silver earrings glinted in the natural light, and his plain black t-shirt and ripped denim jeans were doing marvels highlighting the older's lean, muscular physique. 

He grinned when Taeyang met his eyes, a mischevious sparkle in them as he straightened up. "Do you want me to leave your bags in your room then Tae? We can go for lunch another day after you've settled in." He heard Hanse choke on air in response to Youngbin's raspy voice, which was oddly lower than the elder usual spoke. "Yeah, thanks." His words weren't working very well it seemed, but Youngbin just smiled as he walked further into the dorm and headed straight for a closed door. All dorms must have had the same layout because the elder knew exactly where he was going. He reappeared a moment later with no bags in tow and started making his way out. "It was nice to meet you, Hanse, you take care of my Tae alright?" "Hey! I can look after myself you know." Taeyang pouted as his friend laughed, nodding in assent.

Taeyang walked over to him and was immediately wrapped in a strong embrace. No matter the occasion, Youngbin's hugs always made him feel so warm and protected. They separated and Youngbin ruffled his hair, a playful smirk on his face. "Behave yourself, alright? And text me later once you have unpacked and everything." Taeyang nodded before waving goodbye to his older friend and shutting the door behind him. Once it was closed, he heard his roommate let out a long string of expletives. "Dude, your boyfriend is hot!" It took a long time for Taeyang to convince Hanse that Youngbin was not actually his boyfriend. It was made a lot more difficult by the fact that he rather wanted him to be.

 

He was nineteen. 

 

It had been a few weeks since he had been to the studio, studying for exams taking up all of his free time. But now he was finished and had ten whole days before he had to start back in the second semester. Juho and Seokwoo texted him and said they were in the building and Taeyang happily let his feet lead the way up. The feeling of music reverberating through the walls as he walked past different practice rooms started his heart pumping faster. He had missed this so much it was almost painful. Reaching the studio where the two older boys said they were, he didn't even hesitate a moment before swinging the door open and preparing to launch into dance.

What he hadn't expected was the studio to be dark and only a faint glow coming from the far corner. He was confused for a moment until the singing started. "Happy Birthday to you~" They walked towards him holding a cake with nineteen candles lit on top. There were more people than he realised in the room, he hadn't been expecting anything. When they came to a stop in front of him, he closed his eyes and made a wish before blowing out the candles in one breath. Everyone cheered and someone turned the lights back on. 

The entire crew was there; old members who had been with him from the beginning and newer friends he had made since they moved to their real studio. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, completely overwhelmed by a wave of emotions. There were hands on his arms and shoulders, people reassuring or teasing him over his crying. Trying not to let himself go too far, Taeyang wiped his eyes and looked at the group around him. People who had supported his dreams and shared his passion for dancing down to his very core. Jaejin, Minhyuk and some of the older members pulled him into a hug, patting his head and coddling him as if he was a baby all over again. It felt right, but yet there was something missing - someone missing.

 

He was nineteen. 

 

Tomorrow he had to get on a bus back to university and start his second semester. His parents had been happy to have him back in the house, and even his older sister came back for two days to see him. Taeyang had danced for hours every day, not wasting any opportunity to throw himself into the music. He had kept up his dancing as much as possible while away, visiting the studio at least once a week before exams and also using the performance space in the university. But he had missed this. Seeing all his friends and crew members all the time, coming up with choreography for fun and messing around with dynamics and formations. Chani had really come along in recent years, and Juho provided some of his self-produced beats for them to play around with. 

Youngbin hadn't yet come to one of their jam sessions. He still came to teach his youth classes, but Taeyang only caught glances of him from the other end of the studios. The emotions that were fighting to make themselves known he pushed to the back of his mind and buried them under the pounding bass of the music. If any of the others noticed he spaced out at times they didn't say anything, just encouraging him as he threw himself fully into the rhythm and draining every last ounce of his energy on the studio floor. They danced until the mirrors were steamed up and their shirts stuck to their skin. It was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time and was the only way Taeyang found himself able to fall asleep at night.

 

He was nineteen. 

 

Chani came up to his university dorm one Friday night to visit him. It was unexpected, but Hanse was more than happy to meet Taeyang's younger friend. The pair got along unexpectedly well, and Taeyang smiled at their antics. After dinner the three of them spread out on the living room floor; blankets and pillows were piled in the centre to make a comfortable surface to lie on. Taeyang could feel his younger friends nerves coming off him in waves and just waited expectantly for him to break the silence and say what he had come here for. 

"How do you know if you have a crush?" That was not what he had been expecting. Taeyang thought it would have been something to do with dancing or maybe even school but certainly not emotions. He sat up, looking at Chani puzzled. "Do you think you might have a crush on someone?" The younger nodded hesitantly before replying. "I'm not sure though. It might be a bit weird because they're my friend and older than me." Hanse piped up then, having something to contribute. "Older isn't bad though? Two of my friends who are dating have fourteen months between them, and it's totally fine." Chani glanced at Taeyang before speaking, his voice even quieter than before. "Well, it's more than just a few months." At the prompting of the older boys in the room, Chani admitted it was a four year age gap.

Hanse just hummed thoughtfully, obviously not too bothered by that. Taeyang however, felt his throat constrict and his chest gets tighter. "Seokwoo?" He croaked out, voice unstable and questioning. Chani looked at him with wide eyes before nodding once, slowly, as if he was afraid of the elder's reaction. There was hope in his eyes though, and Taeyang couldn't help but smile softly at his younger friend. "I can't believe you're only seeing it now." He looked confused and Taeyang laughed. "Seokwoo absolutely adores you, haven't you noticed?" "Well, yeah, I guess? But this is different, I think - I have a crush on him." 

It took all night but the boys talked through everything, and by the end of it even Hanse, who had never met Seokwoo before, was convinced it was mutual. Chani fell asleep soon after, content now he had shared his feelings with someone he trusted. Taeyang covered him with a blanket and patted his hair before getting himself comfortable on the floor to sleep. Hanse's voice sounded softly through the silence just as he was on the cusp of falling under. "You know Taeyang, Chani's story sounds a lot like yours." He gripped the blanket around him tighter and tried to regulate his breathing before he answered. "No, it's not. Seokwoo likes Chani back."

 

He was nineteen.

 

There were people bumping at his shoulders, pushing past where he stood frozen in the middle of the campus. He gripped the cardboard coffee cup in his hand so tightly in his hand it was ready to explode. All of the feelings and emotions he thought he had buried deep inside were all bubbling angrily to the surface, determined to make themselves known. Distantly, he heard someone calling his name. The voice was smooth and bubbly, nothing like the raspy tone he needed right now. A hand on his shoulder, long slender fingers belonging to a tall, handsome figure. "Taeyang? Are you alright?" Byungchan, one of Hanse's friends and a new friend of his. He looked worried, frowning as he took in Taeyang's tense shoulders and white-knuckle grasp on his coffee. "I need to get out of here." His voice was broken and quiet, but the taller male heard him and immediately wrapped an arm around his waist and turned to lead him away.

Taeyang shut his eyes, trusting Byungchan to guide him safely out of the crowd. He tried with all his might to rid his mind of what he had seen, but it seemed to be burned into his retinas. Youngbin - gentle, caring, strong, funny, talented Youngbin - with his arms around a small, petite girl, their faces only inches apart. She was slim and blonde and wore a pretty pastel dress and they looked good together. This was the first time Taeyang had seen the elder outside of passing glimpses at the studio. It had been months since Youngbin stopped talking to him, stopped checking in on him via texts and pulling him aside after dance practice to go out for food. Taeyang had no idea what he had done to upset his friend. In the beginning, he took it as a good thing. Using the space to push all the feelings he had for Youngbin deep down, he thought he was getting over him. But ten years of dancing side-by-side, ten years of pouring their blood, sweat and tears into what they were passionate about - those feelings were not easily swept aside.

Now it felt like someone was twisting a knife in his gut, and all the air had been crushed out of his lungs. Youngbin may have been his friend before, but not anymore. Maybe he found out about the younger boys feelings and thought it would be better to just distance himself from him. Obviously, it never would have worked between them. Taeyang would always just be a kid in Youngbin's eyes. He could never compete with the pretty girl that was tucked under Youngbin's strong arms, he couldn't compete with any girl that the elder would be interested in. Taeyang was all lean muscle and rough edges; he was tall and broad and masculine. He never had a chance.

 

He was twenty.

 

Seokwoo had finally gotten up the courage to ask Chani to be his boyfriend. The entire studio was ecstatic, knowing for longer than the boys involved that they were so gone for one another. It was cute, seeing how shy and flustered they looked around each other. Taeyang smiled widely, relieved that his two friends had found their happiness together. Beneath all that though, there was an underlying current of pain. If they could work, what was wrong with him? Even all this time after knowing Youngbin would never want him, Taeyang still found himself wishing. Hoping beyond reason that the older might just see him as worthy of his love. But it would never happen, and Taeyang was trying with all his might to move on.

It was hard, he had loved Youngbin for so long - before he even knew what love felt like. The older had always been there from him, from the beginning when he was at his lowest and had no hope left. Youngbin had been the one constant in his life, but it had been a year since that foundation had been taken from him. Taeyang still found himself reeling at times, off-balance and unsure what to do. His friends in university had taken it in their stride. Hanse and Byungchan welcomed him with open arms, cradling him in their embrace as he broke down again and again and never once did they turn him away. Taeyang saw how they looked at one another recently though, with affection brimming in their eyes. He didn't want to interrupt that, and so he was flailing, trying to find a new anchor.

 

He was twenty.

 

Juho kissed him at eleven twenty pm in the dance studio. They were both sweaty and exhausted, having spent close to ten hours dancing today. The older males lips were chapped and salty, but Taeyang found himself kissing back anyway. He really shouldn't have, he knew that the feelings he had for Juho were nothing more than platonic, but he craved the attention. The pressure of Juho's lips on his own simultaneously sent his brain reeling while grounding his body physically to the here and now. How they had gotten to this point was a little hazy; months of spending all their free time together rehearsing for an upcoming duet competition and a new closer relationship being formed.

Taeyang had volunteered to choreograph a routine to one of Juho's songs, and after they demonstrated their rough draft everyone in the crew suggested they should perform it themselves. And somehow, all the closeness and late night rehearsals and dragging one another out of the studio when their legs refused to work any more had brought them to this. Their routine ended with them standing face to face, and tonight they had ended up closer than before. Juho gave the younger boy a chance to pull away, a chance to say he didn't want this, and yet Taeyang met his lips anyway. 

Unwanted thoughts of a different dancer appeared in Taeyang's mind; someone shorter with dark hair and eyes that crinkled when he laughed. Taeyang hadn't heard that laugh in years, and yet it still haunted him. Trying desperately to focus on the person who was right in front of him, Taeyang took a small step forward so there was no space left between them. He felt Juho's hands grip his hips tighter, pulling the younger so they were flush chest-to-chest as the kiss turned into something more.

He willingly let Juho slip his tongue into his mouth, the salty taste getting stronger as they explored deeper into one another. Taeyang moved a hand up to tangle in newly dyed crimson locks, loving the silky feel under his fingers. Juho was a fantastic kisser, not too rough or pushy but also not too tame. The younger had kissed several people before; girls, boys and otherwise as he danced his way through drunken college parties. Nothing had ever felt like this before. Maybe it was the added bonus of knowing the person he was with, or maybe everything felt different without the buzz of alcohol coursing through his veins.

Whatever it was, Taeyang wanted more. Maybe if he tried hard enough, he could fall for Juho and finally be happy. So he pressed harder against the other's lips and let the sensations that pounded through his body be louder than the clambering thoughts in his head.

 

He was twenty.

 

They hadn't made it official to the rest of the crew in the same way Seokwoo and Chani did, but everyone seemed to accept that he and Juho were dating. Even between themselves they never confirmed the label on their relationship, content to just drift along doing whatever they usually did. Nothing changed too much after that first night in the studio. They continued rehearsals and performed their duet, placing third out of twenty-two studios - a tremendous achievement. All that was different now was he had someone who would kiss and hold him without question or hesitation. Juho was in every way the perfect boyfriend; caring, attentive and dedicated to making Taeyang happy. 

After a few months, he had hoped his heart would open up to the elder and let him fall for all his charms. But even as they made plans to celebrate Taeyang's twenty-first together his mind was thinking of someone else. Why couldn't he just let him go? Would his heart never be content to give his love to someone else, even after all the hurt Youngbin had caused him? 

 

He was twenty-one.

 

**//**

The sea looked so tempting. The moon and stars were all hidden behind heavy clouds which threatened to open and rain down on him at any minute. The swelling waves were growing bigger after every crash against the rocky pier, their inky black waters calling out to him. How easy would it be, just to continue walking down the concrete jetty and not stop until his feet had nothing left to stand on. Would the water be cold? Would it drag him under, his heavy outer coat acting like an anchor to guide him to the bottom, or would the waves pull and push him around until there was no air left in his lungs. 

Taeyang never got to find out. Hands belonging to someone he tried so hard to forget grabbing his waist and halting him in his tracks. There were other people there too, faces contorted in worry and sorrow as they took in his pallid skin and lifeless eyes. Someone lifted him up in strong arms, voices all around him calling for him to come back to earth. But he didn't want to come down, all he wanted was to feel the water filling him up until he no longer had to think.

**//**

 

He was twenty-one.

 

It was his first time back in the studio since his incident. A lot of the crew members visited him often, making sure to keep him informed about the progress of the groups and competitions their youth crew were dominating. Taeyang appreciated it, but now he was finally ready to dance for himself again. The building was silent; all the classes for the day were finished which meant the only people here would be members of his crew. With trepidation, he opened the studio door and walked in.

There was music playing and a quintet on the floor, doing some sort of intricate pattern. The room was hot and the air was heavy with sweat - obviously they had been here for a while. He didn't even have to say anything to announce his presence, Jaejin spotted him immediately and reached him in three long strides. Taeyang was picked up in a crushing embrace by the man who had given him everything, and he couldn't stop the tears from flowing.

One by one, the crew members came over to greet him, not wanting to overcrowd him so soon. When Juho shakily stood in front of him with tears in his eyes, Taeyang couldn't find it in himself to hold back. He embraced his friend wholeheartedly, knowing how much he must have been hurting. "Tae, I - I'm so sorry." The red head's voice was filled with so much emotion it pained Taeyang to hear, all he could do was cling tighter. "It was never your fault Juho, please believe me." And like a weight had been lifted off both of their shoulders, they relaxed into one another's arms and everything was alright again.

Taeyang was rusty and out of practice but he relished the relief that came from letting the music take control of his limbs and losing his senses to the beat. By the time they were finished and Jaejin insisted everyone went home, Taeyang felt freer than he had in all the months previous. Dancing was truly the balm he needed to heal his aching soul. All he needed now was for his heart to finally let go of the years of hurt he had been carrying and then he could live the rest of his life in peace.

 

He was twenty-two.

 

Graduation came a lot sooner than he had anticipated. It was like one day he was sitting in his final year lectures, mind drifting to the new routine they were due to drill that day, and then the next he was collecting his cap and gown with Hanse and Byungchan on either side of him. The end of their university lives was nigh, and it left him with conflicting emotions. 

Hanse was moving to the city after he graduated, an international business firm already offering him a full-time position. Byungchan was returning to do postgraduate study on a scholarship. And Taeyang, he wasn't sure what to do. He could easily get a 9 to 5 job in some company somewhere, but he knew that wouldn't satisfy him. Jaejin had promised that after he graduated they would have a talk about his options and his place within FNC, which sounded ominous but Taeyang hoped with all his heart it meant what he thought it did.

 

He was twenty-two.

 

Sitting on the centre of his bed was a white box tied with a pale blue ribbon. Taeyang was more than a little confused, all of his friends and family had already given him his graduation gifts. In fact, his parents were in their room right now getting ready to go out for their celebratory dinner. His friends were all joining him afterwards and they were going to go to a newly opened club in the city one last time as a group. Some of the crew were going to meet them there too, having gotten close to Taeyang's friends too. But the box was a mystery.

He picked it up gingerly, unsure of what to do. As far as he knew, no one had been in the house all day apart from his family. The window was open slightly, which made things even stranger. Figuring he wouldn't be able to focus at dinner if he didn't satisfy his curiosity now, Taeyang sat on his bed with the box in his lap and decided to open it. Pulling on one end of the blue ribbon made the perfect bow untie and flutter to the ground. Holding his breath, he lifted the lid off and peered inside.

It seemed to be lined with layers of white tissue paper as if it was hiding something delicate or precious. Careful not to damage the contents, Taeyang slowly removed the top layer to discover an old photograph. Each new layer he peeled away revealed another picture, and another, all perfectly preserved as if they were someones treasured possessions. The contents of the photos made Taeyang's heart squeeze painfully.

 

_He was nine; looking up at Jaejin with wonder and hope shining brightly in his eyes._

_He was ten; laughing as he stretched in front of the mirrors with Jimin._

_He was eleven; midway through a spin as he stood in the middle of the local park._

_He was twelve; accepting his first ever trophy for his solo dance routine._

_He was thirteen; walking through the door of their brand new studio for the first time._

_He was fourteen; engulfed in a hug by Minhyuk after they won second place with the crew._

_He was fifteen; lying upside down on the sitting room couch with Christmas wrapping paper strewn around him._

_He was sixteen; deep in conversation with Seokwoo as they sat in the middle of the studio floor._

_He was seventeen; face determined as he told his story to the interviewer who had come to talk to him._

_He was eighteen; embracing his parents tightly outside his home as he prepared to set off for university._

_He was nineteen; eyes bright as he held his birthday cake and smiled at the crew who were with him._

_He was twenty; standing nose-to-nose on stage with Juho, their skin glowing and bodies tense._

_He was twenty-one; staring at the dark and stormy sea from his perch on the pier wall._

_He was twenty-two; throwing his graduation cap into the air with his diploma in hand._

 

Taeyang didn't notice the tears sliding down his face until they landed on the last photo he was holding in his hands. There was only one person who had been present for the last fourteen years of his life and was there to see him through all of these memories. Although he hadn't realised it, they had always been lingering in the background. Taeyang had thought they had disappeared from his life, and yet the last four photos proved that even if he hadn't noticed, they were still there supporting him quietly in the background. 

Removing the last piece of tissue paper, Taeyang discovered a single piece of paper sitting at the very bottom of the box. It was folded in half, and with shaky fingers, he opened it up to look at the message it held. The tears in his eyes made his vision a little blurry, but he could make out the words clear as day.

 

_"Come back to where it all began. I'll wait for you, no matter how long it takes."_

 

His throat closed up and there was a stabbing pain in his chest. This couldn't be happening, not right now. In ten minutes he was supposed to walk out of his room to see his parents and sister and then go for a nice celebratory dinner. They were going to ask him questions about his future and he would reassure them that he had a plan in mind. Then he would meet his friends for drinks and dancing.

He couldn't do this, these emotions he had been repressing and denying for years were all rushing to the surface, clamouring to get his attention. There was the start of a headache building in the base of his skull and his eyes were stinging from the tears that continued to fall. Of all the days Youngbin had to try and come back into his life, why did it have to be today? Why couldn't he just have left Taeyang alone just for one more day?

Without him noticing, his sister peeked her head into Taeyang's room. Originally she had come to call him as they were about to leave, but when she saw her younger brother in such a state her heart broke. Instead, she went to fetch her parents so they could all deal with this together. Taeyang only looked up when his door was swung open quickly and before he could blink his mother had him wrapped in her arms.

"Mom, wh-what's going on?" His voice was fragile and croaky, the tears being the cause. She didn't answer, instead choosing to clutch Taeyang closer and rock him gently side to side. He felt more than he saw his father picking up all the photographs and moving them away, and then he and his sister sat on either side of him. They were close enough that he could feel their body heat and sense the stiffness in their bodies, and he broke down crying even harder.

 

 

He was twenty-two.

 

There was a biting wind whipping around him, tearing through his jeans and thick jumper. Darkness had long since settled over the area; machinery abandoned for the night a reminder that in less than a few months this place would be opening as a new shopping centre. No longer did the disused warehouses sit derelict with flickering street lamps and boarded up windows. Now there was a tall, shiny building with chrome and perspex looming over him. Taeyang had no idea where he was supposed to go. The whole streetscape had changed, and he was certain there would be far more security patrolling the site than there was all those years ago. A clatter sounded somewhere to his left, followed by an eerie static noise. Then - music. 

 

_"From some point, there was a crack/Then we broke apart/Ridiculously, I was ruined/I’ll piss off, though I hate you/I don’t wanna be a loser"_

_"Breaking up is so easy for you/Though it hurts so much for me/Leaving me is so easy for you/Because it’s nothing to you/(Just tell me you wanna go)/You had no tears at all/(Drinks up let’s lose control)"_

 

His feet automatically followed the sound, itching to move to the routine he knew so well. As he rounded the corner, he finally came face to face with the one person who had ever meant more to him than dancing.

Youngbin was following the steps to the routine with robotic precision, and it hurt Taeyang to watch. Here was the first true friend he had ever made, someone who coached him through dancing and made time for him despite their age difference. He could move with such power and grace, making even the most difficult of routines look like they came easily. And yet, here he was with no passion or love for the movements his body was doing; every step was stiff, his posture was slumped and his heart was not in it. The cracks in the facade Taeyang had built up over years came crashing down and he wanted nothing more than to join in. But still, he remained frozen in place, watching with a broken heart.

When the song came to an end, Youngbin stood with his back to Taeyang. His breathing wasn't laboured because of the dance, but his shoulders were shaking up and down. And suddenly, Taeyang was reminded of the time when he was fifteen; when a broken and wounded friend had climbed through his window and spent the Christmas break trying not to cry in front of his parents. 

 

"Why?" His voice came out no louder than a whisper, emotions clogging up his throat too much for him to speak. But Youngbin heard anyway and turned around to face him. His eyes were shining as tears flowed freely down his face. Taeyang wasn't sure how much breaking his heart could take before it shattered entirely. But the elder dancers face was determined when he answered. "I spent years trying to convince myself that everything would be ok. That my parents would understand and the thing I wanted most in life could be mine. But I was only fooling myself."

Taeyang was confused, what was the other talking about? "I - I don't -" "Christmas, seven years ago, do you remember?" Of course he remembered. It would take a lifetime to forget the pain in his chest seeing his best friend cry. "You- you spent the break with us. But you never told me why." Opposite him, Youngbin took a deep breath to steady himself before continuing. 

"My parents didn't take well to me coming out. They told me I was just confused and if I wanted to remain part of the family then I - I would come to my senses." He felt his chest constrict. Youngbin, his oldest friend, was gay? And he had never known. "They kicked you out?" His voice came out as only a whisper in the night air. "No, I left, I needed to think. But spending the break with you I realised something else. I was in love with you Taeyang."

There was a single heart-stopping moment where Taeyang had to remind himself to breathe. Then the words registered fully, and an ugly feeling began bubbling away in his gut. "Was? Past tense?" Youngbin flinched at the accusatory tone, but he kept going. "I spent three years after that trying to come to terms with it, because you were still a kid and we were best friends. All the while I was still trying to keep a civil relationship with my parents. Then after you went to uni and met people your own age I - I couldn't imagine you wanting to be with me." Taeyang felt the barriers in his mind that had been built up for years begin to crumble under the emotional strain. Suddenly all the feelings he had ever repressed were raging in his head, coursing to the forefront and demanding to be heard.

"You never even asked me. You just cut off contact and made me think I had done something wrong! Do you even understand how much that hurt? To have the one person who meant the most to you in your life just disappear?" His voice got louder and louder with every sentence. There was anger and betrayal sure, but underneath it all there was hurt. Youngbin, whom he had shared everything with growing up, had kept something as important as this from him for years. He had made Taeyang believe he was at fault and that the younger never even stood a chance. "How could you Youngbin? How could you not tell me? Did you think I was going to judge you? Were you afraid I wouldn't want to be your friend anymore? Did you even know me?!"

Taeyang had begun moving towards the other now as his voice turned into a yell. All rational thought was long gone as he threw away caring about being caught. Youngbin simply stayed where he was, tears never stopping and shoulders slumped. Vaguely, Taeyang registered how tired he looked. "I wasn't afraid of you judging me for being gay, but I was worried that if I told you-you would have figured out how I felt." "And so what if I did? Don't you think after all we have been through I deserved to know? Maybe if you had told me then I wouldn't have had to question my own feelings for years!"

Youngbin looked confused at that, searching Taeyang's face as if he could figure out the meaning behind those words. If he wasn't so furious, Taeyang would have laughed at the obliviousness of his friend. "Were you so focused on denying your own feelings that you never even looked to understand mine? Why do you think it hurt so much when you left? When you came to my campus and never even let me know; so that I saw you with a pretty girl that I could never live up to? Did you really think that I only ever saw you as a friend?"

Taeyang was crying now too. Years of denying and repressing how he really felt all pouring out and he couldn't stop it. Then, like a switch was flipped, Youngbin's eyes brightened a little and he understood. "Tae- I never realised. I'm so sorry." They were standing barely a foot apart, but neither was ready to take the last step forward just yet. Taeyang still needed Youngbin to understand. 

"I thought I never stood a chance with you. You meant more to me than anything else in the world; more than the crew, more than dancing itself. I would have followed you anywhere. For years I didn't realise that it was love, and then when I did it hurt. Because you were in uni and I was just a kid." He had to stop to take a breath, but he needed to keep going. "And then I became an adult, and even though I didn't know if you could ever love me back I was finally ready to take the chance. But you cut me off. You avoided me and left me thinking it was all my fault. That maybe you hated me for loving you or that I wasn't worth your time anymore." 

The tears just kept coming, his heart was ready to give up on him with the pain he felt but Taeyang wasn't done yet. "I tried so hard to forget you. I pretended that it was fine and that I never loved you in the first place, but no matter what I did everything reminded me of you." "What about Juho?" Youngbin's voice was broken like this was something he didn't want to know about. Taeyang laughed, a bitter and harsh sound. "He deserved so much better than me. Someone who wasn't hung up on another person they thought they had no chance with. I wanted to love him, I wished so hard I could give him the same affection he showed me. But I couldn't, and that's all your fault." He was angry now, at himself and Youngbin and life in general.

 

They were closer than they had been in years, toe-to-toe but the gap between them still felt like a chasm. Taeyang hated how much his heart ached to just fall back into the other man's arms. "Why couldn't you have just told me?" His voice had dropped back to a whisper, like all his energy had been used up. He heard Youngbin take a deep breath before speaking again. "I was a coward. You were always so bright, so talented, so loved. Everyone doted on you, wanted to help you and be your friend. But you stuck by me. Even when I moved schools, even when I went to college, you were always there for me. But - you were so much younger than I was. I didn't want you to get hurt by me. I thought you would be better off with someone closer in age to you."

Youngbin had no tears left to cry, but his voice was still pained as he struggled to continue. "And then, when my parents refused to accept me, again and again, I just - I broke. I didn't want them to hate you too. You deserved to be with someone who had a supportive family, who had all their shit together and was able to give you everything in the world. But that could never have been me. I thought it would be easier for you to find someone else if I wasn't around anymore." He couldn't even look at Taeyang by the time he was finished, head hung low and eyes glued to their shoes on the pavement. 

For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. The only sound was their ragged breathing and repressed sobs. Taeyang tried to hold on to the hurt he had felt for the last few years; the pain at being abandoned by his best friend and the incident which had taken him almost a year to recover from. But looking at the black head of hair in front of him, all he could think of was their first meeting. Bright eyes and an excited voice challenging him to show what he could do. Promising they would be friends forever. His head knew that it would take time to heal the rift between them, but right now his heart was the one in control. So he was the first to begin bridging the gap, reaching forward to wrap his arms around Youngbin's shaking form.

He went stiff in Taeyang's arms, almost as if he was afraid to breathe in case it shattered the moment. Taeyang just pulled him closer and buried his head in the older dancer's neck. Cautious arms returned the embrace, gingerly wrapping arms around Taeyang's back. But after a moment, the embrace became more real, their grip tightening as Youngbin lifted his head to rest it against the younger man's chest, right above his heart. They were both shivering, from the cold and the rollercoaster of emotions, but together they began to warm up as their hearts started the journey to forgiveness.

 

He was twenty-two.

 

His mum looked at him suspiciously before saying goodnight and closing the bedroom door behind her. Taeyang counted to twenty with bated breath before he relaxed. He heard stifled giggles coming from behind him and rolled over to his other side and glared at the person on his floor. "You almost got us caught!" "It's not my fault your mom decided to come in to check on you!" Youngbin was looking up at him from where he had rolled off the bed in a panic when Taeyang's bedroom door had opened. His hair, which was an interesting shade of mint green, was tousled and messy where it fell over his eyes. 

"It is entirely your fault. If you had warned me you were coming over tonight I would have said a proper goodnight to my family and then mum wouldn't have come up." The elder began to sit up from his cramped spot when the door opened again. He dropped back down and in his haste bumped his head off the wall. Taeyang froze and waited for the scolding. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear anything and just tell you that I'll be leaving at six to catch my train tomorrow morning and dad is bringing me to the station. Goodnight Tae and not Youngbin." 

The door shut again and this time neither of them could stop their laughter from bubbling out. Youngbin sat up properly this time, rubbing his head and wincing in pain. Taeyang just rolled his eyes before dragging him up onto the bed. They lay face-to-face under the covers and just drank in the sight of one another. Youngbin was only just back from a trip to the other side of the country with their youth dance crew and they hadn't seen each other in two weeks. It was nice to just spend time together like this, even if it was in secret - sort of.

"Do you think your dad will actually throw me out if I'm not gone when he comes in tomorrow morning?" Youngbin's voice was beginning to become laced with sleep, and Taeyang could only smile softly at him. "My dad wouldn't be strong enough to throw you, but he wouldn't be opposed to rolling you out of the house." The elder giggled at that as he snuggled closer to Taeyang's chest. His parents were still a little wary about his reconciliation with Youngbin, knowing how much he had been hurt before. But the pair were well on their way to healing all the wounds from the past and for the first time in years, Taeyang's heart wasn't burdened with a pain he refused to identify.

They fell asleep with arms wrapped around one another, their heartbeats the lullaby to their slumber. Youngbin snuck out the window at five fifty am with a promise to see Taeyang for lunch later. His dad came just as Taeyang had gotten back under the covers and sighed. "You know, it makes more sense for him to use the front door." He grinned sheepishly before wishing his dad a safe drive and falling back to sleep with the smell of Youngbin lingering on his bedsheets.

 

He was twenty-three.

 

There was a blindfold over his eyes and he was placing all his trust in the man leading him. "How much further is it? I don't know how much more stumbling around on unknown territory I can deal with." A raspy chuckle was all the response he got. A few minutes later, they finally came to a stop and the fabric obscuring his vision was finally removed. "Ok, we're here." 

Once his eyes adjusted to the brightness he felt them well up with tears. In front of them was a small tent and a picnic blanket laid out on a bluff overlooking the ocean. The sun was just beginning to set and it painted the entire scene in hues of pink and gold. Youngbin took his hand and began tugging him forwards, and he followed along willingly. There was something wrapping around his heart and squeezing it until he was sure it was going to explode. They sat down on the soft baby blue blanket and Youngbin pulled opened up the cooler to pull out a bottle of champagne.

"You're kidding me, right?" "Nope." The elder emphasized the 'p' sound by accompanying it with the popping of the lid. Taeyang laughed, light-hearted and bubbly like the drink that was filling up two plastic cups. "Sorry, I couldn't find any plastic flutes and I didn't want to risk carrying glass all the way out here." He smiled sheepishly as he held the cup of sparkling gold towards him. Taeyang took it and waited for Youngbin to make a toast. "To you Taeyang. I know I'm a few days late, but happy birthday." They both grinned as they clashed cups and took a large mouthful. It was fruity and made his mouth tingle, just the way he liked it.

They spent the rest of the night lying on the blanket gazing up at the stars. It was cold but lying side-by-side it was easy to forget about the chill in the air. As the hours passed they talked about anything and everything on their minds. Secrets and stories that were years old all spilling out and being blown away by the sea breeze. It felt like for the first time they were being completely open with one another again, and it was exactly what Taeyang needed to let his heart take the final step to being whole again.

When finally the cold became too much to bear, they retired to the small tent. Taeyang laughed when he saw the mountain of blankets and pillows stacked inside. They made themselves comfortable in a nest of fabric, snuggled close together to keep in the heat. It was only as he felt his eyes begin to droop that Youngbin spoke the words he had wanted to hear for so long. "Tae, I love you so much." There was a look of pure and utter adoration in the elder's eyes as he looked over at him, and it made Taeyang feel even warmer in the small space they shared. He didn't even need to stop and consider his answer. It was one that had been carved into his soul for years and years. "I love you too Youngbin."

And finally, after fourteen years of knowing one another, four years of pain, and a year of healing, they came together as one. They met in the middle, lips seeking out one another like magnets. It filled his whole body with a feeling he had longed for and he gave himself to it willingly. His heart exploded into a million pieces of pure love, and Taeyang knew without a doubt he was willing to give all of them to Youngbin.

 

He was twenty-four.

 

The ring on his finger and joy in his heart spoke volumes more than any words ever could. Dancing still meant the world to him, but now, his world was also Youngbin's.


End file.
